We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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