I can't breathe out the right side of my face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Let's paint friendship bongs
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
