I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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