i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
