So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
