yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
