I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
