It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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