today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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