He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
