could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
