peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
