I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
