Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
