I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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