meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
