I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
