I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He passed out mid-signature
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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