in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
