i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
