She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
