Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
