Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
