Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
