I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
