Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
