margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
