Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
