So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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