Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
