So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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