If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
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