When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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