You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
