mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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