So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
