Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
