if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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