Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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