I smell stomach acid.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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