How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
