the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
