I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
