he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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