Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
