if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
