and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
