He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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