someone owes me an orgasm
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me