My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
false alarm. still invincible.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
