My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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