No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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