I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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