A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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