I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize