You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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