wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
